Realization of Death

I have often wondered how we understand the concept of death.

When my grandfather passed away in 1990 I was only 6years old. My twin and I were rushed out of our classroom and taken home. As we came into the living room I saw my grandfather lie on the floor covered with white sheets. To me he looked sound asleep and I wondered why he wouldn't just wake up when there were so many people around him.

We wandered from one room to another noticing that crying was a common practice in all of them. She saw my bewildered expression and said "He's never coming back again." I didn't understand what she meant so I replied "From where?"
And she shushed me down.

It was 1995 and my family had broken its journey in Delhi on their way to seeing us twins off to Welham, a girls boarding school in Dehradun.
I had a strange dream that night. I was in a battlefield and my neck had been slashed open - causing my head to continuously tilt backwards because of lack of support. It was gruesome. I ran from soldier to soldier in the dream, asking them to stitch me back so that I could carry on fighting against the enemy, but no one could hear or see me.
This was the first time I understood death.

The next day I hung on to my aunt, mum & dad throughout the journey, continuously stroking them to make sure they were there (looking at family members with a fear of losing them can be highly traumatizing for a 10year old).
I have tried to re-dream that battlefield for as long as I can remember, but I still haven't been able to stitch my neck back.

Death is the end of life whether we acknowledge it or not.
Even though I am bad at saying goodbyes, I think its realization ever since that day gave me the freedom and strength to dream, be fearless of losing people or moving places, because in the end we stand alone to leave and gather memories of those we love.

reports and cars

i have two lousy reports, along with the major end-of-semester japanese report due on the same day. when you are under work-pressure, lousy thoughts start to pop up in your head, making you tensed for no rhyme or reason. things of no importance start making episodes in the mind n getting you worked up.

so, while i was cribbing and getting pissed about things around me, i got an email informing me about a car accident that one of my friend's been in.

the boy driving the car died on the spot, while the other 2kids along with my friend had multiple fractures & were in crital conditions. she is now thankfully off the critical list - but it will be a long long recovery, with many corrective surgeries along the way. her skull was fractured and her face badly damaged. but she's alive, all there and fighting to get well - so it will be okay.

reading all this made me feel extremely small. it made me realize that there are bigger and serious challenges that poeple have to face. our own petty mind-games mean nothing when one hears abt someone facing and going through so much. the lil differences that we have among ourselves should mean little, & be resolved soon. life is too short n uncertain to worry about stupid things. i can only feel grateful for evryone and evth i have.

for those of you who go out on drives, dont do it too FAST - just keep check on the accelarator and be safe okay!
you are all too precious to lose.
love and big hugs.